Im at strip club and am horny
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
