I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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