anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
