He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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