Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
