I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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