I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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