why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
