my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
