is your mom at the bar?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
