Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
