The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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