Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
