Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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