The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
