last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
