Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
