i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
