it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
