I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
