The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
