i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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