I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
