So drunk, too bad you don't want this
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
