She said her name was "party"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
