the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
