i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
