Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
