I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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