walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just google imaged poop.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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