Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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