What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
