you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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