It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
