idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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