Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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