yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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