you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
