he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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