If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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