I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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