so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She bit a glass in half.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
