she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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