dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
