I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Drunk is not a location!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
