Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
