Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
