I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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