oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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