Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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