She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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